Valentine’s Day tends to rouse the dormant Scrooge in me, I have to admit. It’s the ooey-gooeyness of it all that makes me cringe. Lest you think I have a heart of stone, au contraire, I assure you. I rather love the romantic gesture, just not when it’s mandated by the giant economic machine d’amour which begins stocking the supermarket shelves with heart-shaped boxes of chocolates before the Christmas tinsel is put away. So what’s a girl to do when she despises pre-printed proclamations of passion courtesy of Hallmark?
I turn to poetry for consolation, that’s what. Why do I love Ogden Nash so? Because he has exactly the right dose of ooey-gooey to make this granite heart swell.
To My Valentine by Ogden Nash
More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or the Axis hates the United States,
That’s how much I love you.
I love you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.
As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
Or a juggler hates a shove,
As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
That’s how much you I love.
I love you more than a wasp can sting,
And more than the subway jerks,
I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
And more than a hangnail irks.
I swear to you by the stars above,
And below, if such there be,
As the High Court loathes perjurious oathes,
That’s how you’re loved by me.
More than a grapefruit squirts. Ahhh, now you’re talking.
Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all,
Barbara
Love this.
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Why, thank you!
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Agreed! I hate Valentine’s with a passion – as I have explored here:
http://lovelanguageloveliterature.com/2015/02/14/valentines-day-to-love-it-or-hate-it/
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You not only explored the subject, you knocked it out of the park! Everybody reading this should cllck on the link for possibly the best essay I’ve ever read on the evils of the Valentine’s Day machine. An exceptionally well-written piece.
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Thanks very much for taking the time to have a look – as I see it, Valentines is part of a wider hijacking of what should be our nobler emotions in order to simply shift more units. I wrote a piece along the same lines about the Sainsbury’s Christmas ad (which you can find on my blog if you’re bored!) that uses grief and nostalgia to hoodwink customers.
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LOL – guess there’ll be no fancy chocolates for you! For me, any excuse for flowers and chocolates is a good thing! 😉
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I know, I know! Oh, the agonies of standing up for something! LOL!! I warned you I was a Scrooge….
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Nah, not a Scrooge, just practical. Who says love should be a once a year celebration? I say every day is a good day to celebrate love. 🙂
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And to have a little chocolate. I hear it extends life expectancy….
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I’m all for that!
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Great poem. I feel the same way about Valentine’s Day as you. It’s so commercialized that I don’t even care to recognize it. The hubs and I don’t usually do much with it. Unexpected gestures throughout the year are much more fun and meaningful.
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Unexpected gestures are what I live for. A harried husband arriving home after work with shrink-wrapped supermarket roses hoping it’s “good enough” is not.
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Love the Ogden Nash poem. Makes me want to break out my stash of offensive limericks but I will restrain myself…this time. Happy V Day!
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Limericks? Good. Offensive limericks? Even better!! Happy V Day to you too. I can tell I’m going to like you.
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Awesome! Love the poem!
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Ain’t it grand, Chris? Happy V-Day to you and your girls!
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I’ve always been partial to Vinegar Valentines:
Didn’t get that badly needed and deserved promotion at work?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You may be da boss now
But I’m gunning for you!
Tired of an annoying co-worker?
Roses are red
Violets are yellow
I’ve never met
A more annoying fellow
What about the neighbor with a crowing Rooster:
Roses are red
Violets are a winner
Shut that cock up
Or we’ll cook him for dinner!
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Roses are red
Violets are blue (actually a true blue is the most rare of colors in botany, but I digress)
I always get a chuckle
From a comment penned by you.
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Perfect! I just printed those out. Love them all.
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Wonderful Ogden Nash poem — just perfect! I’m inclined to think Valentine’s Day has done more to kill romance than to encourage it …
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You took the very words from my mouth, Paula, or should I say from a comment I left the other day somewhere else. All this measuring up…..oh, you only love me that much? So meaningless, isn’t it? Ogden nailed it!
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Love your post Barbara and the poem is just great! Hope it’s a happy day anyway!! ❤
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Of course it’s a happy day, Barbara, and I hope yours is too. I’m so glad you enjoyed Ogden Nash who must have had a heart of gold.
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Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark fabrication. We’ve ignored it for years.
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This comment surprises and pleases me, Jennifer. I know you are a connoisseur of the finer things in life and a proponent of all things romantic so I might have imagined you a Valentine’s enthusiast. But obviously not, as romance and Valentine’s Day are two distinctly different things.
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Valentines Day = Halmark Day 😉
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Exactly, John!! The economic machine drives us in herds to Hallmark and Kay Jewelers!
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I was only recently turned on to
Ogden Nash. Apparently I didn’t know what I was missing. This one is great though. Never heard it before. Perfect for Valentine’s Day!
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HI Marissa, I could never say I have a favorite poet because one will speak to me so powerfully one day and maybe not the next. But you know how you can read something and suddenly feel that warm surge of affection for the writer? That’s how Ogden Nash makes me feel.
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A lovely feeling!
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Oh, me too. I have avoided Valentine’s Day posts for that very reason. But I have (obviously!) made an exception in your case. Just as well. Thank you, Ogden Nash. I like that he loves her more than those jerks on the subway. (The 15-year-old has just got back from a picnic with his girlfriend. Aw. Young love. Before they grow old and cynical like us…. 😀 )
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Romantic gestures from the old and cynical are the best kind. Rushing out to my car on a frosty morning and finding my windshield scraped of ice? Oh honey, that’s romance!!
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Oh, I want to make sure you know that Joanne and I are embarking on “The Colour of Magic” together. I can’t believe I’m going to read fantasy!!
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Oh! Exciting! Deep breaths. You’ll be fine. 🙂
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Here’s how your literal-minded friend is faring. I had to go to Google images to see if what I was reading could possibly be correct. You know, the turtle, the elephants, the world. I may never be the same…..
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Yes, but… I could go on as before about Pratchett’s astute observations of the human race and how well he weaves it into another world but you just have to read it and see for yourself. 🙂
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Oh my God! Ogden’s poem was sheer brilliance and I had never read it. This is my best Valentines Day present!
Sending you a free, but heartfelt Valentine~
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Wonderful, Cindy!! It makes my day to expose Ogden Nash to as many people as possible. He was a prince!! Happy Valentine’s Day to you too.
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Funny. Never heard that before. I like grapefruit and gin rummy though. Have a lovely day 😉💕
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May the grapefruit never squirt you and the gin….wait, that’s the second time in a row we’ve discussed gin in comments….I sense a pattern emerging….hope you have a lovely day too!
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I love it ;D
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Happy to put a smile on your face, priyanka!
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Yah, good one. We want a nice curmudgeon day too. It is time for us to be recognized too. We could call it Jeremiah day and hold hands with the true Valentine believers who missed out and are now bitter and despairing of true love.
We could relieve their pain and say: I told you so!. .
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Curmudgeons Unite! A pox on all this sappy sentiment. And, Gerard, now we have a poet laureate in old Ogden. This is exciting. We must begin planning….
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LOL. Good one, Barbara. >3 >3 >3
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Thank you, Christine. I’m glad you got a chuckle.
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I am going to be different Barbara because I love Valentines Day. I Received a lovely card and a box of Chocolates for Valentine’s day. My man never forgets. Show off aren’t I Happy Valentine’s day to you Barbara.
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Good on yer, as my Aussie friend says. Please do not allow my curmudgeonly rants to rain on your parade. After all, you two ARE exceptional, tango-ing away on your magic island. Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your good man.
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I’m new to Ogden Nash too and this was a delightful introduction.
It reminds me of Gilles who always says simply “I love you enough”. When I took exception to it the first time he said it, his reply was that it will never be too much and never be lacking … always enough. Who would have thought that ‘enough’ would actually be romantic? 🙂
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“I love you enough.” Sigh. Reliable, comforting, steady love. How wonderful. And from a scientist at that! Hey, Joanne, can you imagine if some Hallmark copywriter reads this and next year we see cards with that headline? It could happen!!
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I’m cackling at the thought of Gilles’ reaction …. SEE! SEE! I SAID IT FIRST!!! IT’S EXACTLY WHAT I ALWAYS SAY!!!
… and yes, he would be yelling it 😀
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Simply the BEST. Love this!!! Happy VD, Barbara! 🙂
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Hey, thanks, Julie! So happy you enjoyed!
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Reblogged this on A Sawyer's Daughter and commented:
Roses are Red
Leaves are Green
This is the niftiest
Valentine I’ve seen.
Ugh. OK. Yeah, that was pretty bad but I love this from my friend Barbara!
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Ha Ha!! Don’t quit your day job, girl! LOL!!!! And thanks for the reblog, that was very sweet of you.
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I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day, never have been. Never liked V Day at school where it was made such a big deal.. I think my dislike started there. We don’t exchange cards or gifts. We are going out for lunch today, running errands and sharing a hot white chocolate mocha at Starbucks. I do tell people Happy Heart Day if they express wishes to me.. 🙂 Love the poem, as soon as I hit “post” I am going to read it to CH. Oh, and by the way, I also read P. Lively’s Passing On. It was a bit depressing but I enjoyed it.. not the ‘depressing’ but the book.. 🙂 Enjoy your Saturday!
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Pix!! I adored “Passing On.” It was incredibly moving and I could re-read it again in a second if I didn’t have this avalanche of other books to contend with. Also, she wrote a very interesting book called “Cleopatra’s Sister.” The premise is that IF Cleopatra’s sister had lived and formed her own kingdom somewhere in the ancient past, how would that affect us today? It’s exploring the idea of the ripple effect one action or event can have through time. Brilliant and not anywhere near as stuffy as I’m describing it. And yes, I think the potential for immense cruelty lies in every V-Day with broken-hearted children being left out or ignored. Infuriating. I hope CH liked the poem. XXX
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I’m with you. I prefer to be loved in small gestures every day than a big one time thing on Valentines, not to say we don’t do anything special at all for it, just not a huge over-the-top display nor do we need to make it Facebook public! I’m sure there will be flowers, cards, and dinners, etc…plastered on there but I shall remain quiet! I think it’s just one of those days that have been commercialized to the hilt. Bahumbug, ha!
The poem is great…and certainly not to be outdone by Nancy’s additions! She cracks me up!
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My husband and I are completely simpatico about Public Displays of Affection, so much so that when I was editing this post, I removed all mention of him. If he were to post his love for me on Facebook, I would die a thousand deaths and then lock him out of the house. But he would never do such a thing. Really, Suzi, I think the secret to a happy marriage is loathing the same things. Nancy is a hoot, I agree!
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You come close to my Bill’s sentiments. He doesn’t believe in Valentines Day. Says it is a Catholic holiday and he isn’t Catholic. There really is a Saint Valentine. So ..No cards, flowers or candy here. I do get sympathy valentines from friends. 🙂
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Gosh, I hope he doesn’t use the same excuse at Christmas. St. Nick might be Catholic too! Here’s hoping Bill springs loose with a little romance on many other days of the year! Of course we know he adores you, how could he not?
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LOL, Barbara, my husband would love you! He shares the same sentiments about Valentine’s Day. He has finally thrown in the towel and gives me a box of chocolates each year (it’s all I really desire), but I remember one year not long after our first daughter was born that he came home with a pair of flannel pajamas…not even wrapped! When I made a smart aleck comment about the romance behind the gesture he protested, saying he thought I liked flannel pajamas! 🙂 Sigh!
It has never truly bothered me since a day never goes by when he doesn’t tell me he loves me…now that’s romance!
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Yes, my BH knows he an incredibly lucky guy to be married to such an awesome woman. I remind him daily. LOL! You’ve hit the nail on the head, Grace. It’s the every day gestures of affection which render V-Day pointless in this house. When I come down in the morning and find that he’s not eaten his usual cereal because he wanted me to have enough milk for my coffee, I feel true LOVE. Enjoy those chocolates.
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Hah! Well I really don’t care for it, either. When my husband was in the service, his female soldiers used to give him a hard time about not sending me something special, but I assured him I didn’t give a flying fig for any of it. Besides, tomorrow, all the chocolates will be on sale! Won’t that be a nice treat after Sunday dinner? lol
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Because it wasn’t like you were listlessly wandering through the house wondering “Does he or doesn’t he?” Yes, all the chocolates will be on sale so they can make room the Easter bunnies!!! We must keep the economic machine running after all.
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Oh chocolate bunnies! And creme eggs! 😀
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That’s quite a love poem. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, Barb, even if you may not want to hear it.
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Never fear, Audrey, most of my ravings are with tongue semi-firmly in cheek. And a very Happy Valentine’s Day to you too.
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Ooh, let’s hear it for Ogden Nash – Oggy, Oggy, Oggy – hey, hey, hey! Another Valentine’s Day hater here (there must be a good reason it has the initials VD …?!)
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Well, hello there! Yes indeed, Ogden deserves his own chorus. Wouldn’t it be fun to gauge his reaction to this post? I hope he would be pleased.
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Barb, Love your post today. I had not thought of Ogden Nash in years. Back in the sixties he appeared on a few TV game shows. What a funny guy. In his own words Candy is dandy but
liqueur is quicker. Happy V day.
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Oh Madam, one of the all-time best lines every composed. Take that, Shakespeare. And how I miss those “game shows” staffed by the literati of the time. You would never see that today which is such a shame.
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Hello Barbara, Another Ogden Nash doggerel, The Strange Case of Mr. Ballantine’s Valentine, puts the holiday more in perspective:
He said to his partner, My name is Mr. Ballantine and I have never received a valentine.
His partner said, Well my name is Mr. Bogardus and I have received plenty of valentines and I just as soon wouldn’t.
He said Mr. Ballantine didn’t know when he was well off.
Anyway, today I managed to resist the commercial blandishments; I made a big pot of gumbo and had my friends over for dinner. Besides, this year Valentine’s Day is being rather crowded out by preparations for Chinese New Year, which begins next Wednesday evening.
–Jim
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Hello Jim. I will provide the ending of this charmer. Poor Mr. Ballantine:
Towards evening he encountered a maiden named Herculena, the Strongest Woman in the World.
He said, Madam my name is Mr. Ballantine and I have never received a valentine.
Herculena was delighted.
She said, My name is Herculena the Strongest Woman in the World, and I have never received a valentine either.
Mr. Ballantine and Herculena decided to be each other’s valentine.
All was merry as a marriage bell.
Mr. Ballantine nearly burst with joy.
Herculena nearly burst with pride.
She flexed her biceps.
She asked Mr. Ballantine to pinch her muscle.
Mr. Ballantine recovered consciousness just in time to observe the vernal equinox.
He thought she said bustle.
Are you able to obtain okra in Taipei then? And I’ve always yearned to experience Chinese New Year in Taiwan. The photos sent to me of the lavish meal preparations are mouthwatering. Enjoy!
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Hi again, Yes, okra is quite common here. And so is Tabasco brand hot sauce, without whose special flavor of course no gumbo can be considered official.
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Agreed! Guten Appetit! I have no idea if there is a translation to Mandarin…chi hao, I seem to remember. Anyway, hope your gumbo was a smashing success with your friends.
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Well there you go then, Barbara. Happy …. Saturday. Mark
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Oh stop! I’m just a Pseudo-Scrooge. Happy Valentine’s Day Mark and DWK!! Hope you are all hearts and flowers and all good things in the Syracuse neighborhood of Eastwood with Ellie B. See? I do pay attention in between ravings.
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Thank you, my good and dear friend in Richmond. I hope you had a dang good day with your hubby, attentive one.
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Yess,can totally identify with this.
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Oh Good! I’m pleased to hear it, Hilary.
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Finally! A Valentine Day poem that made me fall down laughing my head off. I LOVE IT Barbara. Better than Charlie Brown and Snoopy one I received from my daughter and grands. This made my day even better than the all night and most of the day sleep. I’m still laughing, in fact! Ah, how many ways can I say Thanks. I can say it in German, I think–danke. Gracias. Grazie. I don’t remember any more ways, but I think you get my drift. Still laughing.
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Yay! I am delighted to hear it, Angie! You’re welcome. Or in the current day vernacular “no problem!” Oh wait, that’s a topic for another Scrooge-like rant. LOL!!
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I’ll take something like this, any Valentine’s Day (or not), over those syrupy Hallmark cards.
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It’s a good one, isn’t it? Thanks, Annette.
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I just saw your “Freshly Pressed” icon – when did that happen and which post? Congratulations!
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Hi Annette. The “Jamie Lee Curtis” post just about a week or so ago. Thank you!
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Ogden Nash. A BLOODY GENIUS !!!
Your hearts should all swell with huge pride when you think of him.
🙂
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Wasn’t he? He delights me every single time I read something of his…as in the brilliant introduction to the new (old) Wodehouse I found in an antiques mall. He was a bloody genius.
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Now, Ogden Nash knows how to romance a girl. Thanks for the chuckle, Barbara. 😉
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Thanks, Judy! Yes, he has a way with “sweet nothings,” doesn’t he? Hope you had a nice Valentine’s Day.
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That’s absolutely marvelous!!! I love the turnaround in the first verse from the “hates” to the “love.”
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Exactly. The man was a genius, in my humble opinion. Just the right amount of schmaltz for me!
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Love the poem. Am going to check out Ogden Nash. Valentines in Japan a marketing success story too. https://nihongojapango.wordpress.com/2015/02/06/obligatory-valentines-day-how-to-make-a-guy-feel-special/
A frenzy of meaningless choc giving and rather lopsided!
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Well, after reading your post, I would say so! Lopsided, I mean. What an interesting story; I hope anybody who sees this comment will click on the link. Ogden Nash was a most charming fellow, Leanne, and will be making appearances now and then here.
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That’s hilarious and so thought provoking too!
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I’m pleased you enjoyed the post and thank you for letting me know.
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LOL! Good one Barbara! 🙂
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We got a great laugh from the wonderful Nash poem, Barbara 😉 What elegant rhymes and rhythms Nash commands. Saturday Night Live did a great bit on Valentine’s day shopping at your local CVS you would enjoy 😉 The clouds have moved in here hours earlier than forecast, so I’ll bet its already beginning to sputter snow out your way, or will be by lunch. I hope you are fully stocked on Westie food and treats and have your boots near the door. Looks like a wild ride this week- Wonderful post-V-Day weather 😉
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Well, you weren’t far off. snow is falling way ahead of schedule – they said around four or five this afternoon and it started at one. I am stocked and hope you are too.
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We are. We were nuts enough to make that “one last trip” to Walmarket just before noon for a few more “essentials.” When is enough enough, Barbara? But since I had let myself nearly run out of coffee, we made the trek. Oh! When have I ever seen lines as long or aisles as full! And everyone was crawling around looking shell-shocked and clueless as to what they wanted to throw into their carts, next. Strange thing is, it was exactly the same at Michaels, next door. Go figure, Barbara. It was actually snowing here on radar this AM, but not reaching the ground. Way too cold for this Virginia girl… 😉 Hope you don’t have anywhere to go for a day or two, and that your loved ones are all stocked up and in for the duration, as well. Hugs, WG
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Lovely poem indeed. 🙂
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Thank you, Audrey.
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I am not sure why you are Bah Humbugging, since you have a great partner and love of your life, you would think it would be fun to celebrate with him. Smiles!
Anyway, I do like all of Ogden Nash’s funny poems and little quotes. He is a comical genius of an elder stateman kind of guy. I remember he used to say funny little quips about animals which could be used when I taught sixth grade. The kids would search through magazines to find pictures that would match the quotes. Cutting and gluing was one of the fun ways to add therapy to Language Arts. (I also liked when we made books of poems with their own drawings, too.)
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Ogden Nash always seemed to get it just right. I never read this poem before but I will add it to my list of favorites, right up there with “If called by a panther, don’t anther”! My personal favorite line in your post, though, is one of yours, not Nash’s–“giant economic machine d’amour.” So accurate and so clever!
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Thank you, Kerry! What a way to start the day with such a nice remark from YOU! Ogden is also known for the world’s smallest poem entitled “Fleas.”. ‘Adam had ’em.” LOL!!
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How did that storm treat you? We were in Raleigh over the weekend and got out just in time! It’s minus 19 here this morning . . .
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Snowing in Delaware. Missing Virginia. Clever twist on Valentine’s Day!
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It’s snowed like mad last night in Virginia too, Catherine! And it’s cold!!!
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Reblogged this on Wirelezkid's Blog.
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Lololol…love this. Mr. Nash reminds me of my husband who writes me funny poems when he is traveling, and no matter what the poem is about, always somehow finds some way to include my horse, Bella (so you can imagine how much sense they make). xo, N.
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A most charming story, Nina. Bella is not easy to rhyme, so your Mr. Nash must be most imaginative and brilliant to include her in his poetic feats!
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Oh, he puts all sorts of ridiculous things in, we have been having a drama with navicular disease (sort of like arthritis in a small bone in the hoof) so her feet have been in poems a lot lately, and how much she likes to eat, and smelly winter blankets, her big Quarter Horse butt… Since I have zero poetic skills, I am always impressed that some people can rattle them off so easily. Poetry must use a different part of the brain than I generally use. 🙂
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Now THAT has got to be the funniest thing I’ve read all month! Thank you for sharing! ❤
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